The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
