I'm going to rape someone's good day.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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