I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
