maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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