My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
