So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
