I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
