Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
