Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
