hotel room ftw
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
