On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
