barbara walters just said penis...
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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