ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
