Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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