Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Randomize