So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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