I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
