Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
