I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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