He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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