There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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