my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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