R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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