today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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