I can tuck mytits in my pants
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize