i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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