Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
