Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize