Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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