Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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