I'm lost and stupid without you.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
