Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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