i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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