I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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