Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize