she woke up with a sticky ear
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
