Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize