My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
