Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
