she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
