Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
