I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
