On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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