I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
