I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
