its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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