It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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