i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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