Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
