there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
