It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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