I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
