Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
