you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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