dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
