So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Randomize
