think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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